If you are single, dating, or trying to get to “I DO” and spend too much time hurting and not enough time loving this may be the most important love relationship advice you could ever receive. Did you know that some people just don't let themselves have love? Some are eaten alive with the “fear of commitment.” Some can’t let themselves take the risk or feel vulnerable so they string you along in a dating relationship. Some people don't love themselves enough to value you if you love them. Here's how to spot the signs of a hopeless case, using little known relationship tips.
The truth is that unless a soul is willing to be involved with you, there is no hope whatsoever for a love relationship. No set of skills you learn from any book, seminar, or TV program can create a breakthrough when the other does not choose it. Of course, this can be terribly frustrating for you if you are dating or married and a willing partner. It's painful, a lot like hitting your head against the wall. Nonetheless, all too often we do not listen when we are told no, because we believe there must be something more we can do to fix the situation so that our desires prevail. Each of us wants what we want when we want it, especially when it comes to love relationship, so we tend to ignore the inevitable and keep on trying. I've done this myself. I may be a therapist, but I am a woman first and I learned these lessons through painful firsthand experience.
In a dating relationship, a man who says, "This relationship doesn't fit into my 20-year projection," or a woman who tells you, "I leave everybody with whom I get involved," is telling you that he or she is not available. And that's the truth. Most likely this person has chosen this dating relationship with its current limitations because it didn't have long-term potential in his or her mind. It doesn't matter how great the sex is, how attractively you dress, or how well you get along, the day will come when you will hit a nasty wall of resistance. You may even hit the wall right after you attain an amazing state of ecstatic union. Then, out of the blue, everything will come to a screeching halt. When suddenly your love interest informs you, "It's over," it's super important to listen to what is being said to you and heed the message. Otherwise you are in for deeper disappointment.
Ironically dating that leads to a true love relationship is terrifying to the hidden part of us that's responsible for our safety and survival. If we love deeply and surrender to love, fear naturally arises. Opening up to another being tends to bring up old wounds from the past, especially childhood. The survival system can be stronger than the human heart. Its only interest is in protecting us from getting hurt by anyone or anything. For some of us, the possibility of establishing a profound connection poses perhaps the biggest threat. The fear of commitment often masks a deeper issue. You may feel "not good enough," "engulfed," "not perfect," and so on. The fire of passion is literally too hot for many people to handle, so they run away. Without making the soul choice to hang in there and face the fire, our desired connections don't stand a chance.
There are love relationship tips you can use to let you know that you have snagged someone afraid of connection. See if these sound familiar:
1. After the sexual excitement has died down a bit your lover becomes elusive.
2. Your love interest starts avoiding opportunities to get together, and when you mention it you are called a "complainer."
3. Any mention on your part of moving into more commitment is met with evasion, "Do what you need to do for yourself. Don't worry about me."
4. Your partner develops a roving eye. Sitting at a dinner table you see your beloved watching everyone that passes.
5. The sexual interest dies between you. You express a desire for more affection and are told that you are "too pushy."
It doesn't matter what techniques you use in a love relationship. Unless there is an awakening of consciousness and a desire to increase the level of intimacy, there cannot be a breakthrough. In my therapeutic practice I have watched women spend ten years with men who were terrified of being abandoned but were also terrified of commitment. When push comes to shove this type of man chooses his freedom over the woman. He is often too concerned with what he could miss out on later to commit to today.
In my book, The Passion Principle: Discover Your Personal Passion Signature and the Secrets to Deeper Relationships in Love, Life and Work, I identify 5 signature styles of relating. Each has a healthy balanced, loving aspect, which makes for great relationships and a wounded side, which shows up as the inability to love or commit for one reason or another. They are the Warrior/Conqueror, Lover/Vamp, Creator/Martyr, Prophet/Perfectionist, and Visionary/Perfectionist. To create a breakthrough in receiving the love you want or commit to the love you have, you must step into the balanced healthy aspect of your signature.
In romantic relationships the Warrior is committed, sexy and loyal. The Conqueror works so many hours s/he is not available for commitment. The Lover is wonderful with commitment and intimacy. The Vamp can be desperately needy and make you want to run from commitment. The Creator is fantastic at commitment. The Martyr feels trapped in intimate relationships and runs at the first sign of commitment. The Prophet is a blissfully connected lover. The Escapist is a Houdini who will run from you at the first sign of commitment. The Visionary is positive, high energy and a great mate. The Perfectionist is disappointed by anyone who turns up in the flesh because they are searching for the perfect mate.
The wounded aspects of the “passion signatures” can get in the way of deepening intimacy and cause you to waste precious time. I have seen men and women spend 30 years trying to find Mr. or Ms. Right, and no one was ever good enough. If this type is your partner, you won't be good enough either. You can beg a workaholic Conqueror to come home and put your relationship first for decades, only to bury this type of mate before the request is honored. You can also consume five years trying to get a Martyr to join you in a grounded, forward-moving relationship to no avail, and forfeit just as many years of effort trying to establish a significant relationship with a Vamp who is only attracted to the unavailable. Relationships can be used as vessels for growth and healing, but only between willing partners.
A 45-year-old Martyr grew up under the domination of an angry, controlling mother. As an adult, he continued waging battle against his mother by never committing to one woman. In a series of monogamous relationships, he provoked a long stream of women to become hostile and demanding, just like his mother, until the day came when each one could not stand any more and left him in disgust. What he didn't realize was that his past was ruling his life and that love would elude him forever unless he dealt with his wounds. His latest girlfriend, a woman who wanted to understand her patterns, brought him to my office. She asked me to help her decide whether or not to stay in it, or break it off.
The man was the eternal "nice guy" who would do anything for his woman, except commit. Each of his previous girlfriends only knew this side of him, because he was a chameleon. His defiance of her was never put in her face. It was subtle, insidious, behind-the-back stuff, nothing she could put her finger on. He seemed to be there, in the dating relationship, except he wasn't really there. He told his new love interest that he was keeping his connections with the other women because he didn't like to hurt people. He insisted that he wasn't stringing anyone along . . . it was just that he had never found the one woman to whom he could commit. His fears were sabotaging the relationship.
My client who was the wounded Lover/Vamp had been replaying a traumatic childhood scene of her own with the boyfriend. In relationship with him, she basically was trying to get her abandoning father not to leave. Her dad had walked out on her family when she was a small child, never to be seen again. Both she and her boyfriend were full-grown adults, yet when it came to love they were hopelessly locked in a painful cycle of tug of war. She was sabotaging her happiness by trying to persuade an unavailable man to love her.
Remember: There are no bad guys here. Sometimes we're ready for things and sometimes we are not. A sign that you are personally unready is that you continue dating people who are also not available when you check below the surface. Or if they are available, you "make" them not good enough, or tell yourself, "Not now." If you are on the receiving end of a message of reluctance, hang in there for a little while in case your love interest becomes more comfortable. Seek help in processing your feelings if you must. But if you find your self-esteem draining from you while you wait, or you feel less and less valued by your mate, it is time to "cut bait" (break up), toss "the fish" (your partner) back into the sea, and walk away.
There are more easy-to-apply love relationship tips and tools you can use to create commitment in what looks like hopeless cases. In my book, The Passion Principle: Discover Your Passion Signature and the Secrets to Deeper Relationships in Love, Life and Work, you will find lots more to help you have the love relationship you deserve.
Here's one final thought. If you are in a loving relationship, it is vital that managing the relationship and growing in the relationship become your two highest priorities. You must be honest and diligent, take responsibility for your own energy, feelings, thoughts, and defenses, and try to understand your impact on your partner. This last item matters most when things are going wrong or you want to deepen your connection. These are keys to unleashing romantic passion.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Keeping The Love Alive
Tip #1: Maintaining Your Ground
You and your partner have had an argument. Both of you are convinced the other is wrong. You stand your ground and now you haven't spoken to each other for almost a week (maybe longer!). Sound familiar?
Think about it. What argument is SO important that you're willing to give the love of your life the cold shoulder for a week? Very few if you think about it. Is it really worth expending that much energy towards staying upset? If the argument isn't really that important, think about this...what is the purpose of holding a grudge over something that isn't that important??
I do not mean to say that you should give in. What I do mean to say is that communicating, coming to some kind of resolution, and work through the issue is much more productive than just stewing about it for weeks on end. Life is too short. How do you want to spend it? Angry? Resentful? Or enjoying the time you have with your partner.
Tip #2: Respecting Each Other's Space
Has there ever been a time where you or your partner has felt slighted after coming home and wanting to spend time in front of the TV rather than with each other? This is very common. Many times, people need time to wind down from a hectic day or need to process their feelings and the events of the day before sharing them with their spouse. There is nothing wrong with this. Problems result when the lines of communication shut down.
If you or your spouse needs such time, make sure you do 2 essential things to keep your partner involved:
1) Let your partner know of your intentions. Ask for your space. Many people misinterpret their partner's "space" as ignoring or avoidance. This isn't always true.
2) Establish an agreed time as to when re-engagement is to occur. If you notice you only tend to need 1/2 hour at a time, then agree that if you need your space, you'll be back in a 1/2 hour. If you've had an exceptionally hard day and need more time, check in with your partner to minimize any misunderstandings.
The key is to keep your partner in the loop. The more you work together, the more successful your relationship will be.
Tip #3: Vacations! What Not to Do!
Hello everyone! Normally, I give you a tip, but after being gone for 2 weeks, I wanted to share something with you that I observed on my own vacation. I stayed at a couples-only resort, so many of the guests were honeymooners or celebrating a special event like anniversaries or birthdays. What astonished me the most was the number of newlyweds I saw having arguments with their new spouse on their honeymoon! I observed a new bride screaming obscenities at her husband and another couple spending most of their vacation on opposite sides of the pool.
You have to wonder, why spend all this money on a romantic get-away only to argue and have a miserable time? When planning a vacation, I suggest the 2 of you have a heart-to-heart and voice what your expectations are of this trip. Are you wanting to relax? Are you looking for romance? Are you wanting to explore your new environment or just lay on a beach for a week? What appeals to you, tell your partner before booking the trip so the two of you can find a destination that suits both your needs.
Hopefully, engaging in some pre-planning will prevent you from becoming some of the couples I saw on my vacation!
Tip #4: Love versus Hate
There is a large misconception, the opposite of Love is Hate. When couples seek therapy, it's usually during a time when they cannot handle the stress, anger and resentment so they look outward for support. Upon coming to me, I often hear, "I hate him/her and don't know if I want to be married anymore." Hence, the word Hate becomes a token word for "I'm not in love with you anymore."
Let's look at this further. Love has many definitions. However you define it love is a passionate feeling. Now let's look at hate. Hate also has many angry connotations, but ultimately it also is a passionate feeling. So if love and hate are passionate feelings, how can they be opposites? What is the opposite of passion? Indifference....apathy......ambivalence. This is the TRUE opposite of love. Hate and love have more in common than you think. If you hate someone, you're still invested in them enough to warrant a passionate feeling.
Why is this important to know? If you're in a relationship, any feelings you demonstrate for your partner indicates a connection with them; hence the hope to use this connection to work through whatever problems you may be dealing with. If you're client is indifferent to your opinions, views, passion or even existence, that's when you may have to question whether there is any chance of working through the problems.
Tip #5: Getting ready for changes
Think about all the seasonal changes that occur every year. Fall is right around the corner! Kids are going back to school. Holidays are right around the corner. Kids are entering high school and moving off to college. Schedules need to be rearranged. Work seems to be more hectic. Is this sounding like your life? If so, know this is an expected part of relationships and family. You're not alone.
Very often, couples put their relationship "on the back burner" so they can focus on raising their children. While this is admirable, ultimately your children will leave the nest, whether it be for college, marriage, or just branching out on their own. Congratulations! You've done your job as a parent. Now...the house is empty. You look across the breakfast table and wonder, "Who is this person eating across from me?" You've changed all those years...so has your spouse. Trying to reconnect can feel awkward and sometimes hopeless.
Don't let this happen to you. Most stovetops have 2 front burners an 2 in the back. Your relationship needs to stay on one front burner. You and your spouse need constant connection & reconnection throughout the relationship to sustain and overcome tough times. Give yourself a chance to make your relationship a priority. You will be happy and your family will benefit from it.
You and your partner have had an argument. Both of you are convinced the other is wrong. You stand your ground and now you haven't spoken to each other for almost a week (maybe longer!). Sound familiar?
Think about it. What argument is SO important that you're willing to give the love of your life the cold shoulder for a week? Very few if you think about it. Is it really worth expending that much energy towards staying upset? If the argument isn't really that important, think about this...what is the purpose of holding a grudge over something that isn't that important??
I do not mean to say that you should give in. What I do mean to say is that communicating, coming to some kind of resolution, and work through the issue is much more productive than just stewing about it for weeks on end. Life is too short. How do you want to spend it? Angry? Resentful? Or enjoying the time you have with your partner.
Tip #2: Respecting Each Other's Space
Has there ever been a time where you or your partner has felt slighted after coming home and wanting to spend time in front of the TV rather than with each other? This is very common. Many times, people need time to wind down from a hectic day or need to process their feelings and the events of the day before sharing them with their spouse. There is nothing wrong with this. Problems result when the lines of communication shut down.
If you or your spouse needs such time, make sure you do 2 essential things to keep your partner involved:
1) Let your partner know of your intentions. Ask for your space. Many people misinterpret their partner's "space" as ignoring or avoidance. This isn't always true.
2) Establish an agreed time as to when re-engagement is to occur. If you notice you only tend to need 1/2 hour at a time, then agree that if you need your space, you'll be back in a 1/2 hour. If you've had an exceptionally hard day and need more time, check in with your partner to minimize any misunderstandings.
The key is to keep your partner in the loop. The more you work together, the more successful your relationship will be.
Tip #3: Vacations! What Not to Do!
Hello everyone! Normally, I give you a tip, but after being gone for 2 weeks, I wanted to share something with you that I observed on my own vacation. I stayed at a couples-only resort, so many of the guests were honeymooners or celebrating a special event like anniversaries or birthdays. What astonished me the most was the number of newlyweds I saw having arguments with their new spouse on their honeymoon! I observed a new bride screaming obscenities at her husband and another couple spending most of their vacation on opposite sides of the pool.
You have to wonder, why spend all this money on a romantic get-away only to argue and have a miserable time? When planning a vacation, I suggest the 2 of you have a heart-to-heart and voice what your expectations are of this trip. Are you wanting to relax? Are you looking for romance? Are you wanting to explore your new environment or just lay on a beach for a week? What appeals to you, tell your partner before booking the trip so the two of you can find a destination that suits both your needs.
Hopefully, engaging in some pre-planning will prevent you from becoming some of the couples I saw on my vacation!
Tip #4: Love versus Hate
There is a large misconception, the opposite of Love is Hate. When couples seek therapy, it's usually during a time when they cannot handle the stress, anger and resentment so they look outward for support. Upon coming to me, I often hear, "I hate him/her and don't know if I want to be married anymore." Hence, the word Hate becomes a token word for "I'm not in love with you anymore."
Let's look at this further. Love has many definitions. However you define it love is a passionate feeling. Now let's look at hate. Hate also has many angry connotations, but ultimately it also is a passionate feeling. So if love and hate are passionate feelings, how can they be opposites? What is the opposite of passion? Indifference....apathy......ambivalence. This is the TRUE opposite of love. Hate and love have more in common than you think. If you hate someone, you're still invested in them enough to warrant a passionate feeling.
Why is this important to know? If you're in a relationship, any feelings you demonstrate for your partner indicates a connection with them; hence the hope to use this connection to work through whatever problems you may be dealing with. If you're client is indifferent to your opinions, views, passion or even existence, that's when you may have to question whether there is any chance of working through the problems.
Tip #5: Getting ready for changes
Think about all the seasonal changes that occur every year. Fall is right around the corner! Kids are going back to school. Holidays are right around the corner. Kids are entering high school and moving off to college. Schedules need to be rearranged. Work seems to be more hectic. Is this sounding like your life? If so, know this is an expected part of relationships and family. You're not alone.
Very often, couples put their relationship "on the back burner" so they can focus on raising their children. While this is admirable, ultimately your children will leave the nest, whether it be for college, marriage, or just branching out on their own. Congratulations! You've done your job as a parent. Now...the house is empty. You look across the breakfast table and wonder, "Who is this person eating across from me?" You've changed all those years...so has your spouse. Trying to reconnect can feel awkward and sometimes hopeless.
Don't let this happen to you. Most stovetops have 2 front burners an 2 in the back. Your relationship needs to stay on one front burner. You and your spouse need constant connection & reconnection throughout the relationship to sustain and overcome tough times. Give yourself a chance to make your relationship a priority. You will be happy and your family will benefit from it.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Growth Of Relationship With Love And Affection
A relationship means two people connecting with each other - In profit and in loss, in pleasure and in pain. In a relationship, we know that we have somebody with us. We are not alone. A relationship can be life giving and life changing.
Many times in our life, we want to achieve some goals. We have our dreams and our ideas. We never reveal them to anyone. But if we relate to somebody very well, we will tell about this to that person. If our relationship is good, we will get support and encouragement. Please go ahead. I think you are very intelligent and you can do this. You have the capability. I will be with you at every step.
Sometimes, we fall sick and feel very helpless. A prolonged sickness affects the confidence. Only a relationship supports us at that time. Please have no worry. You will get all right. Everything will be Ok very soon. Please believe me. I am with you at all the times. Words can give life.
I can give many examples like these. A relationship gets us a friend, a lover and a confident. When we have a partner, we are not alone. We can open ourselves without fear. We can act as we wish and believe that it will be understood. A good relationship is invaluable. Many times some of us never realize our strength. Our partner points that out to us. He/she tells us - darling, you are so good in this. Why not progress further. You will perform fantastically. This can change our outlook and enhance our self-esteem. Please increase the intimacy and make your relationship of the kind that gives life its true joy.
Many times in our life, we want to achieve some goals. We have our dreams and our ideas. We never reveal them to anyone. But if we relate to somebody very well, we will tell about this to that person. If our relationship is good, we will get support and encouragement. Please go ahead. I think you are very intelligent and you can do this. You have the capability. I will be with you at every step.
Sometimes, we fall sick and feel very helpless. A prolonged sickness affects the confidence. Only a relationship supports us at that time. Please have no worry. You will get all right. Everything will be Ok very soon. Please believe me. I am with you at all the times. Words can give life.
I can give many examples like these. A relationship gets us a friend, a lover and a confident. When we have a partner, we are not alone. We can open ourselves without fear. We can act as we wish and believe that it will be understood. A good relationship is invaluable. Many times some of us never realize our strength. Our partner points that out to us. He/she tells us - darling, you are so good in this. Why not progress further. You will perform fantastically. This can change our outlook and enhance our self-esteem. Please increase the intimacy and make your relationship of the kind that gives life its true joy.
Love And Relationship Issues In Parenthood
Perhaps the idea that being romantically attracted to a person who reminds you of your parents or a situation in which you were growing up is familiar to you. Or perhaps this is a completely new idea and difficult to accept?
Have you noticed how when you fall in love with a person, after some time, every passer-by who in some way reminds you of that person captures your attention or brings out emotions in you? I believe that in a similar way this also functions in your search for a partner who is similar to your early image of your parents. Our minds like to connect associations and our inner child searches for circumstances and characteristics in a partner which, it believes, are connected to love.
When we are in love it is very difficult to be totally honest with oneself. We tie ourselves to our partner and our relationship with the same blind intensity and blind need as we did with our parents. This is most obvious when we have to decide whether to end a relationship which obviously does not fulfill our needs even though we still feel a romantic attraction. Whilst the relationship is stable, we usually believe that we are aware of our partner's faults and that we are maturely reacting to them. When a problem arises that could mean danger to the relationship, we begin to search for ways to justify and minimize the significance of the problem.
Break ups (especially when initiated by the other person or occurring because of outside circumstances) provoke very intense, deep and, in essence, childlike emotions. Sadness is a normal reaction to loss, but as a rule we react more deeply and with a heavier sadness than would normally be considered a healthy reaction. At a conscious level, this intensive pain arises out of a feeling of abandonment, often actually rejection. Try to remember your feelings after a break up which you did not initiate (if you ended the relationship, usually after a long period of preparation and decision-making, the feeling of abandonment is not as intense), most probably you will remember emotions you would not wish to revive.
One of the main causes of this is a child's naturally intensive experiencing of everything that occurs around it, a tendency toward generalization and black and white perception, as well as an experience of timelessness for which even short abandonment in early childhood may be experienced as something that will last forever. If the parents are also emotionally immature (which can be said for most parents to a certain extent) the child will more often feel directly or indirectly rejected or deserted. Similar feelings emerge in all situations when we feel rejected, but the deepest and most suppressed feelings penetrate the consciousness only in situations when we end an exceptionally important emotional relationship.
Moreover, I believe that one of the causes of this is the way a child is raised in our society. In many 'primitive' societies children are reared by the entire community. The child has many sources of love, security and support from many people and does not feel physically and emotionally dependent on two people or even only one. In our society children are almost wholly dependent upon their parents and to a certain extent on the help of their grandparents. Even this help is rarely present to the extent that the child may feel totally safe and protected, and the outside world is often also perceived as a colder and less friendly place than in so-called primitive communities. Separation from parents provokes specifically strong feelings of fear and abandonment and in adulthood this leads to an even stronger binding and feeling of dependency in the relationship with one's partner.
A gentler and more subtle pain, often present if we have already resolved the superficial feeling of abandonment, is felt at a deeper level because of feelings of separation from love. This is not an intense pain linked to abandonment by a specific person nor is it questioning this person's behavior, or our own, but rather a more subtle feeling that this is a world in which the deep and joyful love and closeness for which we long is not within our reach.
In such moments of crisis we usually choose to work on it and undertake whatever is necessary to "resolve it", but once the emotions subside and return to the subconscious we forget their intensity and consequences and delude ourselves into thinking that it was not so terrible or that we had succeeded in resolving them on our own. However, until we resolve them in their entirety, we will continue to create and attract situations that will bring them to the surface. For some people this may occur only a few times in their life; while others, perhaps those who have chosen more intense lessons in that field, will attract such situations much more often.
How do you tell if someone really loves you anyway? Just as when you try to evaluate someone's honesty no matter what type of relationship you are in, you should never listen to their words; rather look at their behavior! "Words are cheap" and saying nice things is no problem at all, especially when you know what the other person wants to hear. Many people, however, when they are in love, resort to beautiful words and feed their hope with them.
To make matters more complicated, perhaps the other person really believes he or she is sincere. People who abuse or intimidate their partner often actually believe that it is love and that it is normal to behave in such a way. The person who is in love wishes to believe this and it is only when they emerge from this relationship and look back upon it that they can understand all the aspects of the behavior of the other person which they failed to see before.
Imagine looking at a person with whom you are in love, or a potential partner, as if you were watching a TV program with the sound turned off: you see only movements, facial expressions and individual actions. What would these actions say if another person were involved and not you? Maybe you would recognize a lack of respect and concern or simply immaturity and fear of intimacy? Perhaps this is not something that would cause you to end the relationship - as there is no point in searching for perfection in anyone - but your love is blinding you to the fact that this hurts you and that the relationship could improve if both of you were aware of this and decided to work on this?
"Our greatest problems contain our greatest blessings" (Martyn Carruthers) - and once we resolve our emotional dependency that comes from feelings of separation from love, we can return to our natural state of consciousness on connecting to abundance of happiness, joy and love that is not dependent on anyone outside of ourselves.
Have you noticed how when you fall in love with a person, after some time, every passer-by who in some way reminds you of that person captures your attention or brings out emotions in you? I believe that in a similar way this also functions in your search for a partner who is similar to your early image of your parents. Our minds like to connect associations and our inner child searches for circumstances and characteristics in a partner which, it believes, are connected to love.
When we are in love it is very difficult to be totally honest with oneself. We tie ourselves to our partner and our relationship with the same blind intensity and blind need as we did with our parents. This is most obvious when we have to decide whether to end a relationship which obviously does not fulfill our needs even though we still feel a romantic attraction. Whilst the relationship is stable, we usually believe that we are aware of our partner's faults and that we are maturely reacting to them. When a problem arises that could mean danger to the relationship, we begin to search for ways to justify and minimize the significance of the problem.
Break ups (especially when initiated by the other person or occurring because of outside circumstances) provoke very intense, deep and, in essence, childlike emotions. Sadness is a normal reaction to loss, but as a rule we react more deeply and with a heavier sadness than would normally be considered a healthy reaction. At a conscious level, this intensive pain arises out of a feeling of abandonment, often actually rejection. Try to remember your feelings after a break up which you did not initiate (if you ended the relationship, usually after a long period of preparation and decision-making, the feeling of abandonment is not as intense), most probably you will remember emotions you would not wish to revive.
One of the main causes of this is a child's naturally intensive experiencing of everything that occurs around it, a tendency toward generalization and black and white perception, as well as an experience of timelessness for which even short abandonment in early childhood may be experienced as something that will last forever. If the parents are also emotionally immature (which can be said for most parents to a certain extent) the child will more often feel directly or indirectly rejected or deserted. Similar feelings emerge in all situations when we feel rejected, but the deepest and most suppressed feelings penetrate the consciousness only in situations when we end an exceptionally important emotional relationship.
Moreover, I believe that one of the causes of this is the way a child is raised in our society. In many 'primitive' societies children are reared by the entire community. The child has many sources of love, security and support from many people and does not feel physically and emotionally dependent on two people or even only one. In our society children are almost wholly dependent upon their parents and to a certain extent on the help of their grandparents. Even this help is rarely present to the extent that the child may feel totally safe and protected, and the outside world is often also perceived as a colder and less friendly place than in so-called primitive communities. Separation from parents provokes specifically strong feelings of fear and abandonment and in adulthood this leads to an even stronger binding and feeling of dependency in the relationship with one's partner.
A gentler and more subtle pain, often present if we have already resolved the superficial feeling of abandonment, is felt at a deeper level because of feelings of separation from love. This is not an intense pain linked to abandonment by a specific person nor is it questioning this person's behavior, or our own, but rather a more subtle feeling that this is a world in which the deep and joyful love and closeness for which we long is not within our reach.
In such moments of crisis we usually choose to work on it and undertake whatever is necessary to "resolve it", but once the emotions subside and return to the subconscious we forget their intensity and consequences and delude ourselves into thinking that it was not so terrible or that we had succeeded in resolving them on our own. However, until we resolve them in their entirety, we will continue to create and attract situations that will bring them to the surface. For some people this may occur only a few times in their life; while others, perhaps those who have chosen more intense lessons in that field, will attract such situations much more often.
How do you tell if someone really loves you anyway? Just as when you try to evaluate someone's honesty no matter what type of relationship you are in, you should never listen to their words; rather look at their behavior! "Words are cheap" and saying nice things is no problem at all, especially when you know what the other person wants to hear. Many people, however, when they are in love, resort to beautiful words and feed their hope with them.
To make matters more complicated, perhaps the other person really believes he or she is sincere. People who abuse or intimidate their partner often actually believe that it is love and that it is normal to behave in such a way. The person who is in love wishes to believe this and it is only when they emerge from this relationship and look back upon it that they can understand all the aspects of the behavior of the other person which they failed to see before.
Imagine looking at a person with whom you are in love, or a potential partner, as if you were watching a TV program with the sound turned off: you see only movements, facial expressions and individual actions. What would these actions say if another person were involved and not you? Maybe you would recognize a lack of respect and concern or simply immaturity and fear of intimacy? Perhaps this is not something that would cause you to end the relationship - as there is no point in searching for perfection in anyone - but your love is blinding you to the fact that this hurts you and that the relationship could improve if both of you were aware of this and decided to work on this?
"Our greatest problems contain our greatest blessings" (Martyn Carruthers) - and once we resolve our emotional dependency that comes from feelings of separation from love, we can return to our natural state of consciousness on connecting to abundance of happiness, joy and love that is not dependent on anyone outside of ourselves.
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