One of the most frightening thing about abusive relationships is that you might not even know that you are in one. When most people picture an abusive relationship, they think about a man hitting a woman and perhaps his children as well, but although this kind of relationship certainly is abusive, it is by no means the only form that abuse may take. An abusive relationship can be physically abusive, like the one mentioned above, or the abuse can take a more subtle form. Abusers can be male or female, and they can be involved in an emotionally abusive relationship, as well as a physically, or even a verbally abusive one.
The fact is, people like to protect their loved ones, and so they will often deny it to themselves when an abusive relationship is taking place. The victim might even opt to blame him or herself, rather than facing the fact that their partner is treating them in a way that they should not. It is easy to see why someone would cover up their own abusive relationship in order to protect the romantic involvement that they have going on with the person, but it is important that they break the cycle. If they do not, the abuse will continue indefinitely, and they will suffer needlessly, along with their friends, relatives, children, and anyone else who cares about them. The fact is that you have to fact the music sooner or later, and you might as well do it sooner so as to break the cycle of abuse.
An abusive relationship does not consist solely of someone making threats, nasty comments, or hitting you, although all of these things can be part of these relationships. A lot of what makes abusive relationships abusive has to do with the way the abuser views the victim. If he, for example, watches her every move and tries to stop her from being with her friends, either with threats or with emotional manipulation, he is an abuser. Abuse is not really about hurting the other person so much as it is about finding ways to control or manipulate them. The real cause of an abusive relationship is the desire of one partner to control the other, and be in charge of everything he or she does. If one person feels this way about the other, there is simply no way for them to have a healthy life together.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Abusive Relationship
Do you watch television? What a stupid question, right? It's just that two individuals in my family do not, ever. I fully admit that I do. I'm a crime show fanatic. Take your pick from any current crime series running on television now days. I probably watch it weekly. You want to know one thing every crime show has in common? They all show us what an abusive relationship looks like. Sure, they vary in severity and number of victims, but we can tell what to look for. Therefore if someone were being abused in this modern society, wouldn't we all be able to spot it? Considering that we know the person. Think about that! Who do you know that may express symptoms? If you know someone, it's your duty as a friend or even an acquaintance to help. If you don't, maybe no one will.
Why do we shy away from responsibilities? I have a friend, whose aunt was in an abusive relationship. He knew, his family knew, and everyone basically knew. So what was the deal? Where was the intervention? I couldn't help but inquire his thoughts. I demanded to know what he was waiting for. He's a grown man and he should assist her. However, he informed me that they could not get her out of the abusive relationship, basically because she refused. So then what do you do? This woman is in her 40s, and still she chooses to stay with someone who treats her poorly. Hmm, this can be a tricky issue. You see, when someone is abused, they are typically isolated as well. The abuser will keep them away from friends or family. He/she will disconnect the victim from the outside world. This in turn renders them powerless. It sounds utterly horrible, but it's reality. They also make their victims feel guilty or swear they only do what they do out of love. The victim often feels sorry for the abuser.
Clearly an abusive relationship is a complicated. It's crucial for all of us to identify with the common signs. If someone you know has bruises, cuts or scrapes on a regular basis, ask them about it. Individuals who are stuck in an abusive relationship will commonly act withdrawn from society. Moreover, if you see a child that fits these symptoms, it's your duty to see what's up. A child cannot be expected to deal with an abusive parent or relative like an adult. Trust your intuition.
Why do we shy away from responsibilities? I have a friend, whose aunt was in an abusive relationship. He knew, his family knew, and everyone basically knew. So what was the deal? Where was the intervention? I couldn't help but inquire his thoughts. I demanded to know what he was waiting for. He's a grown man and he should assist her. However, he informed me that they could not get her out of the abusive relationship, basically because she refused. So then what do you do? This woman is in her 40s, and still she chooses to stay with someone who treats her poorly. Hmm, this can be a tricky issue. You see, when someone is abused, they are typically isolated as well. The abuser will keep them away from friends or family. He/she will disconnect the victim from the outside world. This in turn renders them powerless. It sounds utterly horrible, but it's reality. They also make their victims feel guilty or swear they only do what they do out of love. The victim often feels sorry for the abuser.
Clearly an abusive relationship is a complicated. It's crucial for all of us to identify with the common signs. If someone you know has bruises, cuts or scrapes on a regular basis, ask them about it. Individuals who are stuck in an abusive relationship will commonly act withdrawn from society. Moreover, if you see a child that fits these symptoms, it's your duty to see what's up. A child cannot be expected to deal with an abusive parent or relative like an adult. Trust your intuition.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Love and Relationship Advice
If you are single, dating, or trying to get to “I DO” and spend too much time hurting and not enough time loving this may be the most important love relationship advice you could ever receive. Did you know that some people just don't let themselves have love? Some are eaten alive with the “fear of commitment.” Some can’t let themselves take the risk or feel vulnerable so they string you along in a dating relationship. Some people don't love themselves enough to value you if you love them. Here's how to spot the signs of a hopeless case, using little known relationship tips.
The truth is that unless a soul is willing to be involved with you, there is no hope whatsoever for a love relationship. No set of skills you learn from any book, seminar, or TV program can create a breakthrough when the other does not choose it. Of course, this can be terribly frustrating for you if you are dating or married and a willing partner. It's painful, a lot like hitting your head against the wall. Nonetheless, all too often we do not listen when we are told no, because we believe there must be something more we can do to fix the situation so that our desires prevail. Each of us wants what we want when we want it, especially when it comes to love relationship, so we tend to ignore the inevitable and keep on trying. I've done this myself. I may be a therapist, but I am a woman first and I learned these lessons through painful firsthand experience.
In a dating relationship, a man who says, "This relationship doesn't fit into my 20-year projection," or a woman who tells you, "I leave everybody with whom I get involved," is telling you that he or she is not available. And that's the truth. Most likely this person has chosen this dating relationship with its current limitations because it didn't have long-term potential in his or her mind. It doesn't matter how great the sex is, how attractively you dress, or how well you get along, the day will come when you will hit a nasty wall of resistance. You may even hit the wall right after you attain an amazing state of ecstatic union. Then, out of the blue, everything will come to a screeching halt. When suddenly your love interest informs you, "It's over," it's super important to listen to what is being said to you and heed the message. Otherwise you are in for deeper disappointment.
Ironically dating that leads to a true love relationship is terrifying to the hidden part of us that's responsible for our safety and survival. If we love deeply and surrender to love, fear naturally arises. Opening up to another being tends to bring up old wounds from the past, especially childhood. The survival system can be stronger than the human heart. Its only interest is in protecting us from getting hurt by anyone or anything. For some of us, the possibility of establishing a profound connection poses perhaps the biggest threat. The fear of commitment often masks a deeper issue. You may feel "not good enough," "engulfed," "not perfect," and so on. The fire of passion is literally too hot for many people to handle, so they run away. Without making the soul choice to hang in there and face the fire, our desired connections don't stand a chance.
There are love relationship tips you can use to let you know that you have snagged someone afraid of connection. See if these sound familiar:
1. After the sexual excitement has died down a bit your lover becomes elusive.
2. Your love interest starts avoiding opportunities to get together, and when you mention it you are called a "complainer."
3. Any mention on your part of moving into more commitment is met with evasion, "Do what you need to do for yourself. Don't worry about me."
4. Your partner develops a roving eye. Sitting at a dinner table you see your beloved watching everyone that passes.
5. The sexual interest dies between you. You express a desire for more affection and are told that you are "too pushy."
It doesn't matter what techniques you use in a love relationship. Unless there is an awakening of consciousness and a desire to increase the level of intimacy, there cannot be a breakthrough. In my therapeutic practice I have watched women spend ten years with men who were terrified of being abandoned but were also terrified of commitment. When push comes to shove this type of man chooses his freedom over the woman. He is often too concerned with what he could miss out on later to commit to today.
In my book, The Passion Principle: Discover Your Personal Passion Signature and the Secrets to Deeper Relationships in Love, Life and Work, I identify 5 signature styles of relating. Each has a healthy balanced, loving aspect, which makes for great relationships and a wounded side, which shows up as the inability to love or commit for one reason or another. They are the Warrior/Conqueror, Lover/Vamp, Creator/Martyr, Prophet/Perfectionist, and Visionary/Perfectionist. To create a breakthrough in receiving the love you want or commit to the love you have, you must step into the balanced healthy aspect of your signature.
In romantic relationships the Warrior is committed, sexy and loyal. The Conqueror works so many hours s/he is not available for commitment. The Lover is wonderful with commitment and intimacy. The Vamp can be desperately needy and make you want to run from commitment. The Creator is fantastic at commitment. The Martyr feels trapped in intimate relationships and runs at the first sign of commitment. The Prophet is a blissfully connected lover. The Escapist is a Houdini who will run from you at the first sign of commitment. The Visionary is positive, high energy and a great mate. The Perfectionist is disappointed by anyone who turns up in the flesh because they are searching for the perfect mate.
The wounded aspects of the “passion signatures” can get in the way of deepening intimacy and cause you to waste precious time. I have seen men and women spend 30 years trying to find Mr. or Ms. Right, and no one was ever good enough. If this type is your partner, you won't be good enough either. You can beg a workaholic Conqueror to come home and put your relationship first for decades, only to bury this type of mate before the request is honored. You can also consume five years trying to get a Martyr to join you in a grounded, forward-moving relationship to no avail, and forfeit just as many years of effort trying to establish a significant relationship with a Vamp who is only attracted to the unavailable. Relationships can be used as vessels for growth and healing, but only between willing partners.
A 45-year-old Martyr grew up under the domination of an angry, controlling mother. As an adult, he continued waging battle against his mother by never committing to one woman. In a series of monogamous relationships, he provoked a long stream of women to become hostile and demanding, just like his mother, until the day came when each one could not stand any more and left him in disgust. What he didn't realize was that his past was ruling his life and that love would elude him forever unless he dealt with his wounds. His latest girlfriend, a woman who wanted to understand her patterns, brought him to my office. She asked me to help her decide whether or not to stay in it, or break it off.
The man was the eternal "nice guy" who would do anything for his woman, except commit. Each of his previous girlfriends only knew this side of him, because he was a chameleon. His defiance of her was never put in her face. It was subtle, insidious, behind-the-back stuff, nothing she could put her finger on. He seemed to be there, in the dating relationship, except he wasn't really there. He told his new love interest that he was keeping his connections with the other women because he didn't like to hurt people. He insisted that he wasn't stringing anyone along . . . it was just that he had never found the one woman to whom he could commit. His fears were sabotaging the relationship.
My client who was the wounded Lover/Vamp had been replaying a traumatic childhood scene of her own with the boyfriend. In relationship with him, she basically was trying to get her abandoning father not to leave. Her dad had walked out on her family when she was a small child, never to be seen again. Both she and her boyfriend were full-grown adults, yet when it came to love they were hopelessly locked in a painful cycle of tug of war. She was sabotaging her happiness by trying to persuade an unavailable man to love her.
Remember: There are no bad guys here. Sometimes we're ready for things and sometimes we are not. A sign that you are personally unready is that you continue dating people who are also not available when you check below the surface. Or if they are available, you "make" them not good enough, or tell yourself, "Not now." If you are on the receiving end of a message of reluctance, hang in there for a little while in case your love interest becomes more comfortable. Seek help in processing your feelings if you must. But if you find your self-esteem draining from you while you wait, or you feel less and less valued by your mate, it is time to "cut bait" (break up), toss "the fish" (your partner) back into the sea, and walk away.
There are more easy-to-apply love relationship tips and tools you can use to create commitment in what looks like hopeless cases. In my book, The Passion Principle: Discover Your Passion Signature and the Secrets to Deeper Relationships in Love, Life and Work, you will find lots more to help you have the love relationship you deserve.
Here's one final thought. If you are in a loving relationship, it is vital that managing the relationship and growing in the relationship become your two highest priorities. You must be honest and diligent, take responsibility for your own energy, feelings, thoughts, and defenses, and try to understand your impact on your partner. This last item matters most when things are going wrong or you want to deepen your connection. These are keys to unleashing romantic passion.
The truth is that unless a soul is willing to be involved with you, there is no hope whatsoever for a love relationship. No set of skills you learn from any book, seminar, or TV program can create a breakthrough when the other does not choose it. Of course, this can be terribly frustrating for you if you are dating or married and a willing partner. It's painful, a lot like hitting your head against the wall. Nonetheless, all too often we do not listen when we are told no, because we believe there must be something more we can do to fix the situation so that our desires prevail. Each of us wants what we want when we want it, especially when it comes to love relationship, so we tend to ignore the inevitable and keep on trying. I've done this myself. I may be a therapist, but I am a woman first and I learned these lessons through painful firsthand experience.
In a dating relationship, a man who says, "This relationship doesn't fit into my 20-year projection," or a woman who tells you, "I leave everybody with whom I get involved," is telling you that he or she is not available. And that's the truth. Most likely this person has chosen this dating relationship with its current limitations because it didn't have long-term potential in his or her mind. It doesn't matter how great the sex is, how attractively you dress, or how well you get along, the day will come when you will hit a nasty wall of resistance. You may even hit the wall right after you attain an amazing state of ecstatic union. Then, out of the blue, everything will come to a screeching halt. When suddenly your love interest informs you, "It's over," it's super important to listen to what is being said to you and heed the message. Otherwise you are in for deeper disappointment.
Ironically dating that leads to a true love relationship is terrifying to the hidden part of us that's responsible for our safety and survival. If we love deeply and surrender to love, fear naturally arises. Opening up to another being tends to bring up old wounds from the past, especially childhood. The survival system can be stronger than the human heart. Its only interest is in protecting us from getting hurt by anyone or anything. For some of us, the possibility of establishing a profound connection poses perhaps the biggest threat. The fear of commitment often masks a deeper issue. You may feel "not good enough," "engulfed," "not perfect," and so on. The fire of passion is literally too hot for many people to handle, so they run away. Without making the soul choice to hang in there and face the fire, our desired connections don't stand a chance.
There are love relationship tips you can use to let you know that you have snagged someone afraid of connection. See if these sound familiar:
1. After the sexual excitement has died down a bit your lover becomes elusive.
2. Your love interest starts avoiding opportunities to get together, and when you mention it you are called a "complainer."
3. Any mention on your part of moving into more commitment is met with evasion, "Do what you need to do for yourself. Don't worry about me."
4. Your partner develops a roving eye. Sitting at a dinner table you see your beloved watching everyone that passes.
5. The sexual interest dies between you. You express a desire for more affection and are told that you are "too pushy."
It doesn't matter what techniques you use in a love relationship. Unless there is an awakening of consciousness and a desire to increase the level of intimacy, there cannot be a breakthrough. In my therapeutic practice I have watched women spend ten years with men who were terrified of being abandoned but were also terrified of commitment. When push comes to shove this type of man chooses his freedom over the woman. He is often too concerned with what he could miss out on later to commit to today.
In my book, The Passion Principle: Discover Your Personal Passion Signature and the Secrets to Deeper Relationships in Love, Life and Work, I identify 5 signature styles of relating. Each has a healthy balanced, loving aspect, which makes for great relationships and a wounded side, which shows up as the inability to love or commit for one reason or another. They are the Warrior/Conqueror, Lover/Vamp, Creator/Martyr, Prophet/Perfectionist, and Visionary/Perfectionist. To create a breakthrough in receiving the love you want or commit to the love you have, you must step into the balanced healthy aspect of your signature.
In romantic relationships the Warrior is committed, sexy and loyal. The Conqueror works so many hours s/he is not available for commitment. The Lover is wonderful with commitment and intimacy. The Vamp can be desperately needy and make you want to run from commitment. The Creator is fantastic at commitment. The Martyr feels trapped in intimate relationships and runs at the first sign of commitment. The Prophet is a blissfully connected lover. The Escapist is a Houdini who will run from you at the first sign of commitment. The Visionary is positive, high energy and a great mate. The Perfectionist is disappointed by anyone who turns up in the flesh because they are searching for the perfect mate.
The wounded aspects of the “passion signatures” can get in the way of deepening intimacy and cause you to waste precious time. I have seen men and women spend 30 years trying to find Mr. or Ms. Right, and no one was ever good enough. If this type is your partner, you won't be good enough either. You can beg a workaholic Conqueror to come home and put your relationship first for decades, only to bury this type of mate before the request is honored. You can also consume five years trying to get a Martyr to join you in a grounded, forward-moving relationship to no avail, and forfeit just as many years of effort trying to establish a significant relationship with a Vamp who is only attracted to the unavailable. Relationships can be used as vessels for growth and healing, but only between willing partners.
A 45-year-old Martyr grew up under the domination of an angry, controlling mother. As an adult, he continued waging battle against his mother by never committing to one woman. In a series of monogamous relationships, he provoked a long stream of women to become hostile and demanding, just like his mother, until the day came when each one could not stand any more and left him in disgust. What he didn't realize was that his past was ruling his life and that love would elude him forever unless he dealt with his wounds. His latest girlfriend, a woman who wanted to understand her patterns, brought him to my office. She asked me to help her decide whether or not to stay in it, or break it off.
The man was the eternal "nice guy" who would do anything for his woman, except commit. Each of his previous girlfriends only knew this side of him, because he was a chameleon. His defiance of her was never put in her face. It was subtle, insidious, behind-the-back stuff, nothing she could put her finger on. He seemed to be there, in the dating relationship, except he wasn't really there. He told his new love interest that he was keeping his connections with the other women because he didn't like to hurt people. He insisted that he wasn't stringing anyone along . . . it was just that he had never found the one woman to whom he could commit. His fears were sabotaging the relationship.
My client who was the wounded Lover/Vamp had been replaying a traumatic childhood scene of her own with the boyfriend. In relationship with him, she basically was trying to get her abandoning father not to leave. Her dad had walked out on her family when she was a small child, never to be seen again. Both she and her boyfriend were full-grown adults, yet when it came to love they were hopelessly locked in a painful cycle of tug of war. She was sabotaging her happiness by trying to persuade an unavailable man to love her.
Remember: There are no bad guys here. Sometimes we're ready for things and sometimes we are not. A sign that you are personally unready is that you continue dating people who are also not available when you check below the surface. Or if they are available, you "make" them not good enough, or tell yourself, "Not now." If you are on the receiving end of a message of reluctance, hang in there for a little while in case your love interest becomes more comfortable. Seek help in processing your feelings if you must. But if you find your self-esteem draining from you while you wait, or you feel less and less valued by your mate, it is time to "cut bait" (break up), toss "the fish" (your partner) back into the sea, and walk away.
There are more easy-to-apply love relationship tips and tools you can use to create commitment in what looks like hopeless cases. In my book, The Passion Principle: Discover Your Passion Signature and the Secrets to Deeper Relationships in Love, Life and Work, you will find lots more to help you have the love relationship you deserve.
Here's one final thought. If you are in a loving relationship, it is vital that managing the relationship and growing in the relationship become your two highest priorities. You must be honest and diligent, take responsibility for your own energy, feelings, thoughts, and defenses, and try to understand your impact on your partner. This last item matters most when things are going wrong or you want to deepen your connection. These are keys to unleashing romantic passion.
Keeping The Love Alive
Tip #1: Maintaining Your Ground
You and your partner have had an argument. Both of you are convinced the other is wrong. You stand your ground and now you haven't spoken to each other for almost a week (maybe longer!). Sound familiar?
Think about it. What argument is SO important that you're willing to give the love of your life the cold shoulder for a week? Very few if you think about it. Is it really worth expending that much energy towards staying upset? If the argument isn't really that important, think about this...what is the purpose of holding a grudge over something that isn't that important??
I do not mean to say that you should give in. What I do mean to say is that communicating, coming to some kind of resolution, and work through the issue is much more productive than just stewing about it for weeks on end. Life is too short. How do you want to spend it? Angry? Resentful? Or enjoying the time you have with your partner.
Tip #2: Respecting Each Other's Space
Has there ever been a time where you or your partner has felt slighted after coming home and wanting to spend time in front of the TV rather than with each other? This is very common. Many times, people need time to wind down from a hectic day or need to process their feelings and the events of the day before sharing them with their spouse. There is nothing wrong with this. Problems result when the lines of communication shut down.
If you or your spouse needs such time, make sure you do 2 essential things to keep your partner involved:
1) Let your partner know of your intentions. Ask for your space. Many people misinterpret their partner's "space" as ignoring or avoidance. This isn't always true.
2) Establish an agreed time as to when re-engagement is to occur. If you notice you only tend to need 1/2 hour at a time, then agree that if you need your space, you'll be back in a 1/2 hour. If you've had an exceptionally hard day and need more time, check in with your partner to minimize any misunderstandings.
The key is to keep your partner in the loop. The more you work together, the more successful your relationship will be.
Tip #3: Vacations! What Not to Do!
Hello everyone! Normally, I give you a tip, but after being gone for 2 weeks, I wanted to share something with you that I observed on my own vacation. I stayed at a couples-only resort, so many of the guests were honeymooners or celebrating a special event like anniversaries or birthdays. What astonished me the most was the number of newlyweds I saw having arguments with their new spouse on their honeymoon! I observed a new bride screaming obscenities at her husband and another couple spending most of their vacation on opposite sides of the pool.
You have to wonder, why spend all this money on a romantic get-away only to argue and have a miserable time? When planning a vacation, I suggest the 2 of you have a heart-to-heart and voice what your expectations are of this trip. Are you wanting to relax? Are you looking for romance? Are you wanting to explore your new environment or just lay on a beach for a week? What appeals to you, tell your partner before booking the trip so the two of you can find a destination that suits both your needs.
Hopefully, engaging in some pre-planning will prevent you from becoming some of the couples I saw on my vacation!
Tip #4: Love versus Hate
There is a large misconception, the opposite of Love is Hate. When couples seek therapy, it's usually during a time when they cannot handle the stress, anger and resentment so they look outward for support. Upon coming to me, I often hear, "I hate him/her and don't know if I want to be married anymore." Hence, the word Hate becomes a token word for "I'm not in love with you anymore."
Let's look at this further. Love has many definitions. However you define it love is a passionate feeling. Now let's look at hate. Hate also has many angry connotations, but ultimately it also is a passionate feeling. So if love and hate are passionate feelings, how can they be opposites? What is the opposite of passion? Indifference....apathy......ambivalence. This is the TRUE opposite of love. Hate and love have more in common than you think. If you hate someone, you're still invested in them enough to warrant a passionate feeling.
Why is this important to know? If you're in a relationship, any feelings you demonstrate for your partner indicates a connection with them; hence the hope to use this connection to work through whatever problems you may be dealing with. If you're client is indifferent to your opinions, views, passion or even existence, that's when you may have to question whether there is any chance of working through the problems.
Tip #5: Getting ready for changes
Think about all the seasonal changes that occur every year. Fall is right around the corner! Kids are going back to school. Holidays are right around the corner. Kids are entering high school and moving off to college. Schedules need to be rearranged. Work seems to be more hectic. Is this sounding like your life? If so, know this is an expected part of relationships and family. You're not alone.
Very often, couples put their relationship "on the back burner" so they can focus on raising their children. While this is admirable, ultimately your children will leave the nest, whether it be for college, marriage, or just branching out on their own. Congratulations! You've done your job as a parent. Now...the house is empty. You look across the breakfast table and wonder, "Who is this person eating across from me?" You've changed all those years...so has your spouse. Trying to reconnect can feel awkward and sometimes hopeless.
Don't let this happen to you. Most stovetops have 2 front burners an 2 in the back. Your relationship needs to stay on one front burner. You and your spouse need constant connection & reconnection throughout the relationship to sustain and overcome tough times. Give yourself a chance to make your relationship a priority. You will be happy and your family will benefit from it.
You and your partner have had an argument. Both of you are convinced the other is wrong. You stand your ground and now you haven't spoken to each other for almost a week (maybe longer!). Sound familiar?
Think about it. What argument is SO important that you're willing to give the love of your life the cold shoulder for a week? Very few if you think about it. Is it really worth expending that much energy towards staying upset? If the argument isn't really that important, think about this...what is the purpose of holding a grudge over something that isn't that important??
I do not mean to say that you should give in. What I do mean to say is that communicating, coming to some kind of resolution, and work through the issue is much more productive than just stewing about it for weeks on end. Life is too short. How do you want to spend it? Angry? Resentful? Or enjoying the time you have with your partner.
Tip #2: Respecting Each Other's Space
Has there ever been a time where you or your partner has felt slighted after coming home and wanting to spend time in front of the TV rather than with each other? This is very common. Many times, people need time to wind down from a hectic day or need to process their feelings and the events of the day before sharing them with their spouse. There is nothing wrong with this. Problems result when the lines of communication shut down.
If you or your spouse needs such time, make sure you do 2 essential things to keep your partner involved:
1) Let your partner know of your intentions. Ask for your space. Many people misinterpret their partner's "space" as ignoring or avoidance. This isn't always true.
2) Establish an agreed time as to when re-engagement is to occur. If you notice you only tend to need 1/2 hour at a time, then agree that if you need your space, you'll be back in a 1/2 hour. If you've had an exceptionally hard day and need more time, check in with your partner to minimize any misunderstandings.
The key is to keep your partner in the loop. The more you work together, the more successful your relationship will be.
Tip #3: Vacations! What Not to Do!
Hello everyone! Normally, I give you a tip, but after being gone for 2 weeks, I wanted to share something with you that I observed on my own vacation. I stayed at a couples-only resort, so many of the guests were honeymooners or celebrating a special event like anniversaries or birthdays. What astonished me the most was the number of newlyweds I saw having arguments with their new spouse on their honeymoon! I observed a new bride screaming obscenities at her husband and another couple spending most of their vacation on opposite sides of the pool.
You have to wonder, why spend all this money on a romantic get-away only to argue and have a miserable time? When planning a vacation, I suggest the 2 of you have a heart-to-heart and voice what your expectations are of this trip. Are you wanting to relax? Are you looking for romance? Are you wanting to explore your new environment or just lay on a beach for a week? What appeals to you, tell your partner before booking the trip so the two of you can find a destination that suits both your needs.
Hopefully, engaging in some pre-planning will prevent you from becoming some of the couples I saw on my vacation!
Tip #4: Love versus Hate
There is a large misconception, the opposite of Love is Hate. When couples seek therapy, it's usually during a time when they cannot handle the stress, anger and resentment so they look outward for support. Upon coming to me, I often hear, "I hate him/her and don't know if I want to be married anymore." Hence, the word Hate becomes a token word for "I'm not in love with you anymore."
Let's look at this further. Love has many definitions. However you define it love is a passionate feeling. Now let's look at hate. Hate also has many angry connotations, but ultimately it also is a passionate feeling. So if love and hate are passionate feelings, how can they be opposites? What is the opposite of passion? Indifference....apathy......ambivalence. This is the TRUE opposite of love. Hate and love have more in common than you think. If you hate someone, you're still invested in them enough to warrant a passionate feeling.
Why is this important to know? If you're in a relationship, any feelings you demonstrate for your partner indicates a connection with them; hence the hope to use this connection to work through whatever problems you may be dealing with. If you're client is indifferent to your opinions, views, passion or even existence, that's when you may have to question whether there is any chance of working through the problems.
Tip #5: Getting ready for changes
Think about all the seasonal changes that occur every year. Fall is right around the corner! Kids are going back to school. Holidays are right around the corner. Kids are entering high school and moving off to college. Schedules need to be rearranged. Work seems to be more hectic. Is this sounding like your life? If so, know this is an expected part of relationships and family. You're not alone.
Very often, couples put their relationship "on the back burner" so they can focus on raising their children. While this is admirable, ultimately your children will leave the nest, whether it be for college, marriage, or just branching out on their own. Congratulations! You've done your job as a parent. Now...the house is empty. You look across the breakfast table and wonder, "Who is this person eating across from me?" You've changed all those years...so has your spouse. Trying to reconnect can feel awkward and sometimes hopeless.
Don't let this happen to you. Most stovetops have 2 front burners an 2 in the back. Your relationship needs to stay on one front burner. You and your spouse need constant connection & reconnection throughout the relationship to sustain and overcome tough times. Give yourself a chance to make your relationship a priority. You will be happy and your family will benefit from it.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Growth Of Relationship With Love And Affection
A relationship means two people connecting with each other - In profit and in loss, in pleasure and in pain. In a relationship, we know that we have somebody with us. We are not alone. A relationship can be life giving and life changing.
Many times in our life, we want to achieve some goals. We have our dreams and our ideas. We never reveal them to anyone. But if we relate to somebody very well, we will tell about this to that person. If our relationship is good, we will get support and encouragement. Please go ahead. I think you are very intelligent and you can do this. You have the capability. I will be with you at every step.
Sometimes, we fall sick and feel very helpless. A prolonged sickness affects the confidence. Only a relationship supports us at that time. Please have no worry. You will get all right. Everything will be Ok very soon. Please believe me. I am with you at all the times. Words can give life.
I can give many examples like these. A relationship gets us a friend, a lover and a confident. When we have a partner, we are not alone. We can open ourselves without fear. We can act as we wish and believe that it will be understood. A good relationship is invaluable. Many times some of us never realize our strength. Our partner points that out to us. He/she tells us - darling, you are so good in this. Why not progress further. You will perform fantastically. This can change our outlook and enhance our self-esteem. Please increase the intimacy and make your relationship of the kind that gives life its true joy.
Many times in our life, we want to achieve some goals. We have our dreams and our ideas. We never reveal them to anyone. But if we relate to somebody very well, we will tell about this to that person. If our relationship is good, we will get support and encouragement. Please go ahead. I think you are very intelligent and you can do this. You have the capability. I will be with you at every step.
Sometimes, we fall sick and feel very helpless. A prolonged sickness affects the confidence. Only a relationship supports us at that time. Please have no worry. You will get all right. Everything will be Ok very soon. Please believe me. I am with you at all the times. Words can give life.
I can give many examples like these. A relationship gets us a friend, a lover and a confident. When we have a partner, we are not alone. We can open ourselves without fear. We can act as we wish and believe that it will be understood. A good relationship is invaluable. Many times some of us never realize our strength. Our partner points that out to us. He/she tells us - darling, you are so good in this. Why not progress further. You will perform fantastically. This can change our outlook and enhance our self-esteem. Please increase the intimacy and make your relationship of the kind that gives life its true joy.
Love And Relationship Issues In Parenthood
Perhaps the idea that being romantically attracted to a person who reminds you of your parents or a situation in which you were growing up is familiar to you. Or perhaps this is a completely new idea and difficult to accept?
Have you noticed how when you fall in love with a person, after some time, every passer-by who in some way reminds you of that person captures your attention or brings out emotions in you? I believe that in a similar way this also functions in your search for a partner who is similar to your early image of your parents. Our minds like to connect associations and our inner child searches for circumstances and characteristics in a partner which, it believes, are connected to love.
When we are in love it is very difficult to be totally honest with oneself. We tie ourselves to our partner and our relationship with the same blind intensity and blind need as we did with our parents. This is most obvious when we have to decide whether to end a relationship which obviously does not fulfill our needs even though we still feel a romantic attraction. Whilst the relationship is stable, we usually believe that we are aware of our partner's faults and that we are maturely reacting to them. When a problem arises that could mean danger to the relationship, we begin to search for ways to justify and minimize the significance of the problem.
Break ups (especially when initiated by the other person or occurring because of outside circumstances) provoke very intense, deep and, in essence, childlike emotions. Sadness is a normal reaction to loss, but as a rule we react more deeply and with a heavier sadness than would normally be considered a healthy reaction. At a conscious level, this intensive pain arises out of a feeling of abandonment, often actually rejection. Try to remember your feelings after a break up which you did not initiate (if you ended the relationship, usually after a long period of preparation and decision-making, the feeling of abandonment is not as intense), most probably you will remember emotions you would not wish to revive.
One of the main causes of this is a child's naturally intensive experiencing of everything that occurs around it, a tendency toward generalization and black and white perception, as well as an experience of timelessness for which even short abandonment in early childhood may be experienced as something that will last forever. If the parents are also emotionally immature (which can be said for most parents to a certain extent) the child will more often feel directly or indirectly rejected or deserted. Similar feelings emerge in all situations when we feel rejected, but the deepest and most suppressed feelings penetrate the consciousness only in situations when we end an exceptionally important emotional relationship.
Moreover, I believe that one of the causes of this is the way a child is raised in our society. In many 'primitive' societies children are reared by the entire community. The child has many sources of love, security and support from many people and does not feel physically and emotionally dependent on two people or even only one. In our society children are almost wholly dependent upon their parents and to a certain extent on the help of their grandparents. Even this help is rarely present to the extent that the child may feel totally safe and protected, and the outside world is often also perceived as a colder and less friendly place than in so-called primitive communities. Separation from parents provokes specifically strong feelings of fear and abandonment and in adulthood this leads to an even stronger binding and feeling of dependency in the relationship with one's partner.
A gentler and more subtle pain, often present if we have already resolved the superficial feeling of abandonment, is felt at a deeper level because of feelings of separation from love. This is not an intense pain linked to abandonment by a specific person nor is it questioning this person's behavior, or our own, but rather a more subtle feeling that this is a world in which the deep and joyful love and closeness for which we long is not within our reach.
In such moments of crisis we usually choose to work on it and undertake whatever is necessary to "resolve it", but once the emotions subside and return to the subconscious we forget their intensity and consequences and delude ourselves into thinking that it was not so terrible or that we had succeeded in resolving them on our own. However, until we resolve them in their entirety, we will continue to create and attract situations that will bring them to the surface. For some people this may occur only a few times in their life; while others, perhaps those who have chosen more intense lessons in that field, will attract such situations much more often.
How do you tell if someone really loves you anyway? Just as when you try to evaluate someone's honesty no matter what type of relationship you are in, you should never listen to their words; rather look at their behavior! "Words are cheap" and saying nice things is no problem at all, especially when you know what the other person wants to hear. Many people, however, when they are in love, resort to beautiful words and feed their hope with them.
To make matters more complicated, perhaps the other person really believes he or she is sincere. People who abuse or intimidate their partner often actually believe that it is love and that it is normal to behave in such a way. The person who is in love wishes to believe this and it is only when they emerge from this relationship and look back upon it that they can understand all the aspects of the behavior of the other person which they failed to see before.
Imagine looking at a person with whom you are in love, or a potential partner, as if you were watching a TV program with the sound turned off: you see only movements, facial expressions and individual actions. What would these actions say if another person were involved and not you? Maybe you would recognize a lack of respect and concern or simply immaturity and fear of intimacy? Perhaps this is not something that would cause you to end the relationship - as there is no point in searching for perfection in anyone - but your love is blinding you to the fact that this hurts you and that the relationship could improve if both of you were aware of this and decided to work on this?
"Our greatest problems contain our greatest blessings" (Martyn Carruthers) - and once we resolve our emotional dependency that comes from feelings of separation from love, we can return to our natural state of consciousness on connecting to abundance of happiness, joy and love that is not dependent on anyone outside of ourselves.
Have you noticed how when you fall in love with a person, after some time, every passer-by who in some way reminds you of that person captures your attention or brings out emotions in you? I believe that in a similar way this also functions in your search for a partner who is similar to your early image of your parents. Our minds like to connect associations and our inner child searches for circumstances and characteristics in a partner which, it believes, are connected to love.
When we are in love it is very difficult to be totally honest with oneself. We tie ourselves to our partner and our relationship with the same blind intensity and blind need as we did with our parents. This is most obvious when we have to decide whether to end a relationship which obviously does not fulfill our needs even though we still feel a romantic attraction. Whilst the relationship is stable, we usually believe that we are aware of our partner's faults and that we are maturely reacting to them. When a problem arises that could mean danger to the relationship, we begin to search for ways to justify and minimize the significance of the problem.
Break ups (especially when initiated by the other person or occurring because of outside circumstances) provoke very intense, deep and, in essence, childlike emotions. Sadness is a normal reaction to loss, but as a rule we react more deeply and with a heavier sadness than would normally be considered a healthy reaction. At a conscious level, this intensive pain arises out of a feeling of abandonment, often actually rejection. Try to remember your feelings after a break up which you did not initiate (if you ended the relationship, usually after a long period of preparation and decision-making, the feeling of abandonment is not as intense), most probably you will remember emotions you would not wish to revive.
One of the main causes of this is a child's naturally intensive experiencing of everything that occurs around it, a tendency toward generalization and black and white perception, as well as an experience of timelessness for which even short abandonment in early childhood may be experienced as something that will last forever. If the parents are also emotionally immature (which can be said for most parents to a certain extent) the child will more often feel directly or indirectly rejected or deserted. Similar feelings emerge in all situations when we feel rejected, but the deepest and most suppressed feelings penetrate the consciousness only in situations when we end an exceptionally important emotional relationship.
Moreover, I believe that one of the causes of this is the way a child is raised in our society. In many 'primitive' societies children are reared by the entire community. The child has many sources of love, security and support from many people and does not feel physically and emotionally dependent on two people or even only one. In our society children are almost wholly dependent upon their parents and to a certain extent on the help of their grandparents. Even this help is rarely present to the extent that the child may feel totally safe and protected, and the outside world is often also perceived as a colder and less friendly place than in so-called primitive communities. Separation from parents provokes specifically strong feelings of fear and abandonment and in adulthood this leads to an even stronger binding and feeling of dependency in the relationship with one's partner.
A gentler and more subtle pain, often present if we have already resolved the superficial feeling of abandonment, is felt at a deeper level because of feelings of separation from love. This is not an intense pain linked to abandonment by a specific person nor is it questioning this person's behavior, or our own, but rather a more subtle feeling that this is a world in which the deep and joyful love and closeness for which we long is not within our reach.
In such moments of crisis we usually choose to work on it and undertake whatever is necessary to "resolve it", but once the emotions subside and return to the subconscious we forget their intensity and consequences and delude ourselves into thinking that it was not so terrible or that we had succeeded in resolving them on our own. However, until we resolve them in their entirety, we will continue to create and attract situations that will bring them to the surface. For some people this may occur only a few times in their life; while others, perhaps those who have chosen more intense lessons in that field, will attract such situations much more often.
How do you tell if someone really loves you anyway? Just as when you try to evaluate someone's honesty no matter what type of relationship you are in, you should never listen to their words; rather look at their behavior! "Words are cheap" and saying nice things is no problem at all, especially when you know what the other person wants to hear. Many people, however, when they are in love, resort to beautiful words and feed their hope with them.
To make matters more complicated, perhaps the other person really believes he or she is sincere. People who abuse or intimidate their partner often actually believe that it is love and that it is normal to behave in such a way. The person who is in love wishes to believe this and it is only when they emerge from this relationship and look back upon it that they can understand all the aspects of the behavior of the other person which they failed to see before.
Imagine looking at a person with whom you are in love, or a potential partner, as if you were watching a TV program with the sound turned off: you see only movements, facial expressions and individual actions. What would these actions say if another person were involved and not you? Maybe you would recognize a lack of respect and concern or simply immaturity and fear of intimacy? Perhaps this is not something that would cause you to end the relationship - as there is no point in searching for perfection in anyone - but your love is blinding you to the fact that this hurts you and that the relationship could improve if both of you were aware of this and decided to work on this?
"Our greatest problems contain our greatest blessings" (Martyn Carruthers) - and once we resolve our emotional dependency that comes from feelings of separation from love, we can return to our natural state of consciousness on connecting to abundance of happiness, joy and love that is not dependent on anyone outside of ourselves.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Special Love And Relationship Attraction
Love relationships are special. But love relationships advice is often critical, especially in dating love relationships. This commentary offers my viewpoint of love relationships that have gone beyond the initial "butterflies in the stomach" pheromonal attraction.
Does jealousy, bickering, and even violent arguments plague your dating love relationships? If so, you desperately need love relationships advice. When that kind of behavior occurs in your dating relationships, you need to change your personal viewpoint of the relationship.
There is a solution for you to avoid consequences of that kind of unhealthy behavior; and you can stop showing signs of serious and regretful conduct by changing your particular view of your love relationships. None of us are immune to the influence of bad habits in our dating love relationships; although you may feel as if you can avoid the pitfalls, which they present.
That is, you may feel that way until you catch yourself falling into the snare of awful behavior; and all of a sudden those bad actions plague your interactions with the person whom you have shared intimate relationships. Then you may find yourself doing things, which you will later regret, to the people that you love very much indeed.
You urgently and desperately need this advice about your love relationship if you find your self in that kind predicament. The person with whom you are dating may instigate their character defect intentionally, or maybe not. But the pitfall of their habits could trap you all the same; and so you need to resist their negative influence.
You obviously cannot cast blame on another person for your own choices, although you may want to. Your actions are up to you; and you can resist the influence of the bad behavior of those around you. You can avoid developing the same retaliatory behavior, because of your mutual association with him or her.
This is how can stop behaviors like jealousy, bickering and arguments when you are dating, engaged or married. You can resist becoming vulnerable to the influence of flawed mannerisms, which those around you may have acquired. There are proven methods that you can easily apply each day; there is a way that can help you resist temptations of succumbing to the influence of bad gestures in your love associations.
You can prevent yourself from falling into the pitfall of bad habits with techniques, which the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle may have developed; or it could have been the Plato who got them from Socrates, and in turn handed them down to Aristotle.
Whether Aristotle personally developed them or not is inconsequential because he did more than simply intellectualize a theory. He developed methodology and instructions about how you can create will power for yourself; and it will influence those with whom you have developed love relationships.
You can take actions in order to control what you say to yourself. You can effectively resist the temptation of falling prey to bad habits in your love relationships by developing confidence in your self. Therefore, you can get a grip on your will power and begin to manage your love life simply by applying the self-help system, which Aristotle may have developed many centuries ago; but the secrets have been available to only a privileged up until recently.
The Aristotle self-help methods are actually base on the principles Aristotle established. The theory is; you can actually take control of what you say to yourself so, ultimately, you will help determine how others think about you. You simply apply these techniques for self-help that Aristotle is credited with developing, to get confidence in your self.
Whether Aristotle personally developed the formula or not is irrelevant. What is significant is that he did more than simply intellectualize a theory. The Aristotle self-help methods are actually base on the Ethics principles, which Aristotle established.
He developed methodology and instructions that are really an easy way to get confidence in your self so you can treat the people, with whom you may spend the rest of your life, with the respect that they deserve. But you need to religiously practice the confidence building methods of self-help that Aristotle authenticated.
You can take actions in order to control what you say to yourself. You can effectively resist the temptation of falling prey to bad habits in your love relationships by developing confidence in your self. Therefore, you can get a grip on your will power and begin to manage your love life simply by applying the simple and easy to use self-help system, which Aristotle may have developed over 2 millennia ago; but the secrets have been available to only a privileged up until recently.
I am familiar with the Aristotle self-help methods. They are easy-to-use and they really do work. It's a good way to acquire the poise you need to meet, attract and develop a long-lasting love relationship. But you need to practice the self-help methods religiously.
It only takes a total of about 60 minutes a day to complete the popular and easy to use formula, and none of the exercises are contiguously performed. That is to say that the techniques are divided into 10 and 20-minute exercises, which are spread throughout the day. It's easy.
Honestly, you can use Aristotle's particular modus operandi while you are in your underwear & reclining in an easy chair; or even while you are relaxing on your bed. You can get confidence, willpower, faith, and; actually, you can get everything in the world that you really want.
I hope you enjoy my article. Check my Website periodically because I'll be adding commentaries on different subjects in the near future.
This is the true story of my life. I was raised in an orphanage from the age of 4 years. I had to eat from dumpsters in order to survive after leaving it. I couldn't afford good clothes; and so I wore rags. But I found a way to help me get out of that predicament.
I became a salesman & won the position "District Sales Manager" of the Pacific Northwest Territory for a major company. I earned a Bachelor of Science at Oregon State University; and then had the Master of Arts degree conferred upon my name, J.Michael Brown.
You can read about poise and getting what you want in my book, Peace and Success. It also has my autobiography, including: details of my childhood, my life of poverty & how I was able to escape from the quagmire of neediness.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Finding Love With Honesty
Some people have no issues when finding love. Others seem to search their whole life and cannot find the one that makes their heart sing. Why it is so easy for some and so hard for others is a mystery. Because people are unique, their problems are just as unique, and finding love might be a matter of knowing where to look, or not knowing what you really want in the first place. You can meet a lot of people, but if you truly don’t know what you are looking for in another person, you can’t possibly know when you have met someone who could indeed be the one you want to love for the rest of your life.
Finding love used to be a matter of knowing the right people. Friends are often great ways to meet new people. When friends introduce you to someone, the battle of finding love is half over. If your friends know you well enough, they are going to hook you up with people they think you are going to like. If they keep striking out, however, you need to strike out on your own. You can go to bars, but finding love this way is hard. Many people in bars are looking for something less than a lifetime, and quite often the atmosphere in a bar is not conducive to finding love meant to last a lifetime.
There are many finding love on the Internet today, and the choices you have are more numerous than ever. It used to be something no one talked about, but today, people are more open about finding love online, and they are encouraging their single friends to do the same. The shame once associated with finding love this way is gone, and some very attractive and successful people are going about finding someone this way. If you sign up for an online dating site, you aren’t going to run into a pack of losers. You may find exactly what you are looking for in another person.
If you want to find love, look through a few dating sites before you commit. Some sites are free, but you might find more security in a site that has a subscription fee. Look through some of the profiles, and see how the site works before you sign up, and don’t be afraid to sign up for more than one if you so choose. Be honest about who you are when filling out your profile and don’t use someone else’s picture. Finding love has everything to do with honesty, and if someone contacts you based on false information in your profile, it is never going to work out.
Finding love used to be a matter of knowing the right people. Friends are often great ways to meet new people. When friends introduce you to someone, the battle of finding love is half over. If your friends know you well enough, they are going to hook you up with people they think you are going to like. If they keep striking out, however, you need to strike out on your own. You can go to bars, but finding love this way is hard. Many people in bars are looking for something less than a lifetime, and quite often the atmosphere in a bar is not conducive to finding love meant to last a lifetime.
There are many finding love on the Internet today, and the choices you have are more numerous than ever. It used to be something no one talked about, but today, people are more open about finding love online, and they are encouraging their single friends to do the same. The shame once associated with finding love this way is gone, and some very attractive and successful people are going about finding someone this way. If you sign up for an online dating site, you aren’t going to run into a pack of losers. You may find exactly what you are looking for in another person.
If you want to find love, look through a few dating sites before you commit. Some sites are free, but you might find more security in a site that has a subscription fee. Look through some of the profiles, and see how the site works before you sign up, and don’t be afraid to sign up for more than one if you so choose. Be honest about who you are when filling out your profile and don’t use someone else’s picture. Finding love has everything to do with honesty, and if someone contacts you based on false information in your profile, it is never going to work out.
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